2011 - Part 1

I know what your favourite bit of 2011 was - all of it. Know why? Because it's a passage of time and that's what you like, isn't it? Passages. 

Yes, that's my introduction. Don't blame me if you choose to read on.

January

Sexy Cora (23) was a German porn actress and Big Brother contestant who died of a heart attack during breast implant operation. She was hospitalised in 2009 after attempting to set a new world record for the number of noshes performed in one day. Her target was 200 pork lollipops but she was taken to A&E after only 75 when she began suffering from 'der sperma uberglucken'. What a puff. The record still stands at 187 and is held by Wrinkled Whore of the bus stop, Walbottle, Newcastle upon Tyne.

February

February is the most difficult month to die in so congratulations are due to Gary Moore who succesfully struck the devil's chord on the 6th at the age of 58. You know, Gary Moore - Skid Row, Thin Lizzy, Travelling Wilburys? No? Err, Ferry Aid? Gary Moore, man! Gary Moore, the guitarist - Parisienne Walkways, Corridors of Power? The one with the face that looks like a cauliflower. Yes, him. He died in February in Spain, he saw the the beginnings of the Arab Spring on the telly and thought the muzzers we're going to get him, even though he was a Moore himself. Geography, spelling and onomatology weren't on the curriculum when he was at Fretboard University.

No Moore: Micky Flanagan Snr

March

March saw a bumper crop of notable deaths. Haulage wizard Eddie Stobart deserves a quick mention for making his drivers wear a shirt and tie, he also named each of his rigs like in Thomas the Tank Engine but drew the line at giving them plasticine faces and having Ringo Starr narrate each trip. Ringo wanted too much.

Knut died aged only 4 at Berlin's Museum of Natural History; equally loveable and controversial, he proved that polar bears are ultimately bottlers in the game of life. It's no wonder glacier mints aren't the force they once were.

Nate Dogg was only 41 when his heart failed to regulate. His prediliction for fried egg sandwiches finally caught up with him, Dr Dre warned him he be illin' with that shit. 

Mount up!

In London, Smiley Culture died from a 'self-inflicted stab wound' during a police raid on his house. Internet rumours that he was interrupted whilst making a cheese toastie were never substantiated.

April

John Sullivan's death was significant in that it also heralded the end of Nicholas Lyndhurst's career, surely? Geordie stereotype Neil Tennant once claimed that the Electronic song Getting Away With It was inspired by Rodders' career. There's always a chance of something like Goodnight (Again), Sweetheart I suppose. Fingers crossed eh, 'Dave'?

The Welsh poet Elerydd (William John Gruffydd) also passed in April, he died of shame after suddenly learning of his nationality. His most celebrated work is copied in full below by way of a tribute:

Saucepan Of My Fathers

Leeks and sheep,

A daffodil.

Dragons and cawl,

Rhyll.

May

This was the month sport took a pasting: Whispering Ted Lowe potted the eternal black. Henry Cooper dropped his last H. Seve Ballesteros shanked himself into the celestial rough. Randy Savage became one of the few American wrestlers not found dead in a hotel room, he did go by heart attack though so he still got the traditional WWE funeral ceremony; his cremation was sponsored by Doritos, available exclusively on PPV and featured a run-in from the Gobbledy Gooker.

All of these were outshadowed, however, by the undisputed Own Goal of the Month: Osama bin Laden, the rogue midfield general of the September XI, was finally tackled by a pod of American seals in Abbotabad, Pakistan. After succesfully evading capture for some 10 years he let his guard slip when he bought a rare Lego Jihad Training Camp set on eBay using his own name and address. It wasn't even in mint condition. Schoolboy that Osama son, schoolboy.

Downfall

June

This month features accompanying music by Alan "Mr Fabulous" Rubin and Clarence Clemons in the horn section.

Ryan Dunn ploughed his motor into a tree for the lulz. He always seemed the most likeable of the Jackass lot, well, least hateful anyway. Steve-O snuck into the coffin the night before the funeral, planning on a brilliant "I'm not dead!" stunt, but he slept throughout the ceremony and those in on the jape thought it was funnier to bury him alive rather than interrupt proceedings. 

Happier Times

There's just one more thing about June, Peter Falk - pneumonia.

July

Bad month for the arts this, Cy Twombly (scribbles) and Lucian Freud (dirty bits) carked it for starters. Shares in Pentel dropped to a three year low.

Amy Winehouse fans reacted to the news of her death by instigating the unusual tribute of tab-leaving, it's a better offering than an empty bottle of booze though. Still, she liked her ciggies and drink and it never did her any harm did it?

Don't be soft - have a tab.

And finally (after a quick nod to Carmella's dad from the Sopranos) we remember Wurzel, the former army corporal supported Lemmy's warts on guitar for over ten year whilst boffing Aunt Sally on the sly whenever Motorhead played near Scatterbrook farm. Here he is wearing dungarees and a hard hat with "Die You Bastard" written on it:

Very Metal

That's it for part one, check back later this year to find out what Colonel Gadaffi, Gary Speed and Heavy D have got in common. You'll never guess.