Raoul Moat

17.06.73 - 10.07.10

Panel beater, bouncer, tree surgeon.

1983 - Men Without Hats. 1996 - Babylon Zoo. 2000 - Baha Men. 2010 - Raoul Moat. For a few of weeks of 2010 Raoul Moat was the number one hit of the summer. The media went into a frenzy, the 24hr tv news channels were as happy as a dog with two cocks and a bowlful of discount cialis from the internet.

It was a story as old as time itself. Moat, a former doorman and overgrown radge-packet from Fenham marked his release from Durham prison after serving an 18 week sentence for assaulting a nine year old child by calling on his former girlfriend Samantha Stobbart and her new partner Chris (not that one) Brown - and learning them with a shotgun. He then went on the run, pausing to shoot PC David Rathband in the face and rob the chippy in Seaton Delaval before disappearing into rural Northumberland. The hunt was on, the media popped another bluey.

Moat was on the run for a week. Northumbria police, after cadging armoured anti-terrorist vehicles from the Northern Ireland polis and an RAF jet off Prince William's lot, decided they also needed the help of TV survival teddybear Ray Mears. They drew the line at Gazza "Paul" Gascoigne however, after he turned up offering his services during the final stand-off in which Moat died. Seemingly the ability to methodically track the movements of a feral lunk in open country outweighed the 'chicken and fishing' brand of negotiation offered by the clown prince of British drinking. And people say the peelers don't know what they're doing.

There was no denying that Moat divided opinion, while the media jostled for position to spurt out condemnation in their own game of soggy biscuit, others viewed Moat as a man pushed to breaking point by the system. A maverick. A renegade. Dorty Harry. Despite having no connection at all to Moat, swatika-tattooed Teresa Bystram from Surrey took three of her children on a 550 mile round trip to attend the funeral of her hero. "It was better than Legoland" she said; obviously not a plastic fan.

Chris Brown died. Stobbart survived, Moat sent a card to her in hospital whilst on the run saying '"no joke, get well soon". PC Rathband was permanently blinded but went on to complete the London marathon in 2011, saying afterwards: “During the race I took myself back to the night I was shot. It hurt that much – but not as much as when I was shot – and I literally ran in my mind from the car to the local hospital up the road just to finish the last three miles.” Lumme. Aye, British bobbies - best in the world.


Status: Gone but not forgotten
Lookalike: Junior Gorg (The Gym Years)
In Three Words: One hit wonder

Osama Bin Laden

Beard - 8/10

THE FACTS:

• Owned a racehorse called Cacky Nappy.
• Unsucessfully approached Crocs offering his services as Clog Ambassador.
• Existed soley on a diet of eggy bread.
• Insisted on being referred to as the 'Goat of Allah'.
• Big Disney fan, particularly Walt's alleged anti-Semitism - and the Incredible Journey.
• Spent a fortune on a customised version of Donkey Kong where you could play as the monkey.
• His porn name was Fakhir Anis.
• His favourite domino was double four.
• Stopped buying Prince albums after he changed his name to a symbol.
• Married his fourth wife, Siham Sabar, 'for a laugh'.
• Legacy includes an unsold Super Nintendo on ebay. "Boxed, includes Duck Hunt + Zapper gun. Fight like the Elmer Fudd!."

Status: Dead
Lookalike: David Warren
In Three Words: Bitches Ain't Shit!

Chalky

Not that one.

August 1989 - 13.01.07

This is where watching a good four hours of Rick Stein Goes Chicken Oriental on the trot gets you. I've got to say I empathise with Rick in that series though, he spends a lot of the time looking sweaty, uncomfortable and probably wishing he was somewhere else - like me on the tube, or in a room full of people enjoying themselves.

Chalky doesn't even feature in that series, not directly anyway. That might have something to do with the complexities of filming on location in a number of foreign countries in the far east, or maybe it was because he'd sadly died by this point. I don't know much about TV production so I can't say for sure.

As Rick explains though, people would regularly ask about Chalky, not realising he'd passed away. The fact that one was always associated with the other does beg the question about who was the real driving force in the partnership. How many folk do you think asked Chalky about Rick when they bumped into him doing his messages around Padstow, or when he was out for a dig and a plodge down the beach with the lads? Not many I reckon, then again rumour has it that Chalky was crap with a saute pan and wouldn't know a beurre monte if it came up and sniffed his arse. Rick's got the cooking nouse and the presentational skills, Chalky added a human element to proceedings - you stick to your strengths don't you? They were a good team and it's interesting to note that Rick doesn't seem to have been as prominent on the telly since Chalky stopped paying his Kennel Club subs.

Nick nick!

I got bitten by a white rough-haired Jack Russell once. It wasn't Chalky of course, it was a dog called Titch that lived across the road, he belonged to a lad called Gravy Stain (because of a prominent birthmark on his neck, unlucky). Even though I had to go the General to get a tetanus jab I haven't held it against Chalky even though him and Titch were identical to the untrained eye, I think that says something about the little bugger.

Chalky has had two beers dedicated to him by Sharp's Brewery in Cornwall, Chalky's Bark and Chalky's Bite - wonder which one is worse? Strange to think a dog might achieve more in 17 years than you will in your whole life. I know I'm not dead yet but I've not had a single drink named after me, if things don't pick up I think I might put a claim in on this.

Status: Dead
Lookalike: Titch Gravy Stain

In Three Words: Judge Jules' Cousin

Peter Boyle

"I like to work for a while, and then do nothing for some period".

18.10.35 - 12.12.06

Never met him.

Now, some of the lunkheads at work didn’t even realise that Peter Boyle was dead, look where that has brought us.

I, the great intellect, described him as “the one that was in that famous film from the 60’s, you know. I haven’t seen it”. Turns out I meant In The Heat Of The Night - starring Sidney Poitier and Rod Steiger. 1967 though, get in.

That’s the thing about Peter Boyle though, I might have mis-cast him in my head, and not seen many of the films that he actually did appear in - but he always struck me as a good lad.

He was grouchy and greedy as the dad in Everyone Loves Raymond and it was that winning combination that made you (me) side with him straight away, especially when he was cutting his on-screen son Raymond down to size. Ray Romano, the worst thing about his own show. It didn’t quite have the same effect with Robert but that’s because you were already on his side in the first place. Ahh, Robert.

Not explaining this very well am I? How about this then - I don’t even mind that he did adverts for alka seltzer. We can let him off with that one can’t we? Come on, he turned down the role of Popeye Doyle and played a drawbridge operator in Porky’s Revenge, now that’s chutzpah.

Still not convinced? Don’t take my word for it, let’s see what GWAR have to say on the subject:

Status: Dead

Lookalike: Marlon Brando

In Three Words: Meat & Potato Guy