Beau Brummell

Davva is?

7 June 1778 – 30 March 1840

Educated at Eton and Oriel college Oxford, George Bryan 'Beau' Brummell rose to the rank of Captain in the Tenth Light Dragoons before leaving the army when he was stationed in Manchester, he didn't like the rain and bread and dripping made him feel bilious, the final straw came when was sounded out for a guest appearance on the Coronation St penny opera as Betty Turpin's fancy man, he hated low-drama and wrote to Granada declining the role, saying he "wouldn't put even my cane up her hot pot", the role eventually went to a young Paul Shane, he didn't mind a bit of rise n' shine in the name of entertainment. 

Brummell returned south and set himself up in Mayfair, initially he lived within the means he had inherited from his father who died in 1794, but the lifestyle of his flash mates began to turn his head and he started living in an increasingly extravagant fashion. Soon he was spending all day at Ye Olde Gamblery, betting on cock fights whilst eating larks tongue pasties and drinking fine port from a crystal goblet he had kept for him behind the counter. His evenings were spent with the Prince Regent and the architect John Nash, drinking and womanising. Nash was particularly well endowed and had a scandalous reputation as a cad, 'nashing lasses' was a popular and highly competitive pastime among the group.

Noted for his understated dress and meticulous attention to personal grooming, Brummell established the mode of men wearing fitted, tailored clothes; favouring dark suits and full-length trousers. He bathed daily, fastidiously brushed his teeth and shaved his whiskers. This sense of style soon caught on among his wealthy friends in Mayfair. 

Circumstances changed for Brummell in 1811 when he called the Prince Regent a "lardy get" after he snubbed him at a house party Brummell co-hosted with his fellow Mayfair dandies Cuthbert Kid n' Forbes Play. This was a key event in Brummell's story as he immediately lost favour with Prince George and by extension his social circle. He became something of an outcast and was forced to spend more time in the areas surrounding Mayfair, his reputation and appearance ensured he wasn't ostracised from society completely, however, and he soon attracted a new crowd around him.

His acolytes became known as 'Brummers', they dressed in the same fashion and hung around the same parts of town. This term gradually came to describe the men-about-town who socialised in the same drinking dens, but as the term grew in popularity it gave rise to the mondegreen 'bummers' which attracted a whole different element to Brummel's new patch; Soho has never been the same since, with its pink pavements, salad bars and proliferation of YMCAs.

In 1816, tired of having his signature look aped and being pestered by his debtors, Brummell nicked off to France. Here he completely reinvented himself, not only learning how to pronounce 'onion' properly but also developing his Continental look: a combination of Rockport boots, tracker bots tucked into white socks and stripey jumpers, inventing each item specifically for the ensemble. He also took to smoking with his Gauloises inside his hand, the 'invisible technique' - this was soon adopted by the gentlemen thugs of the time, on hearing this Brummell responded by switching to snuff, a decision that would cost him a fortune in hankies.

Brummell died in France having spent his final years in debtor's prison and an asylum for the insane, his interest in fashion had long since waned and his personal hygiene had gone the same way. The French, man. France.

So, was he the ultimate Dandy? Personally I think that was the one where Desperate Dan got his name after thoroughly irrigating Korky the Cat's colon whilst eating a cow pie off his back? LOL. Brummell did popularise the wearing of ties and trousers, we might still be wearing knee-high britches if it wasn't for him, no wonder there's a statue of him in Jermyn St, think of all that extra tailoring he's responsible for. Then again, fancy wearing a pair of britches to work tomorrow? Didn't think so. Just remember that next time you're complaining about the price of Woo Woos down on Old Compton St.


Status: Dead
Lookalike: Liam McGough (Big Brother 8)
In Three Words: Champagne boot polish

Cutty Sark

Afore

1869 - date

 

Named after a character in the Robert Burns poem Tam o' Shanter, a 'cutty sark' was the short skirt worn by Nannie Dee (who is also depicted in the ship's figurehead). The name was a compromise: having seen the plans and realising what kind of craft they were getting, parents Scott & Linton's original choice of 'Salty Scrubber' was reconsidered in favour of a more oblique reference to dirties so as not to offend the conservative sensibilities of the day. That must've been a proper blueprint, eh lads?

She was built specifically to outsail the clipper Thermopylae, known not only for its speed but also the original mast which was small, withered and useless but retained as a feature of the ship at the insistence of Captain S. J. Joy. Cutty Sark's first captain, John "Jock" "White Hat" Willis (born Throckley, Newcastle upon Tyne) was infamous for his lack of personal hygiene and his 'in the kegs and down the legs - only fakes visit the jakes' philosophy won him few friends among his crews and earned him the nickname 'Captain Arseflea' amongst the men, if not to his face. Such was his reputation that he preferred the soubriquet "White Hat" - even though it was a reference to the poor circulation he suffered in his bell end.

Cutty Sark enjoyed a formidable reputation for speed early in her career and was said to be the fastest ship of her size. Fast and loose. In her years as a tea and wool carrier she experienced the lot - mutiny, murder, diabolical shipmates, cholera, a snapped rudder, a string of tempestuous relationships leading to hull syphilis and at least one aborted life boat. The ongoing repairs she underwent in these years gave her a taste of the benefits of judicious carpentry, this would inform the choices she made in later life that took her into darker waters.

The advent of steamships at the turn of the 20th Century meant Cutty Sark was forced into finding other work to keep herself afloat; she became a boat of the night around the meditteranean and South Africa and even enjoyed brief stint as a reggae toaster in the Caribbean, scoring a hit with "Di 'Ornpipe" recorded under her own name. It was in the West Indies, in 1922, that she met and married Captain Wilfred Dowman, the newlyweds returned to their native England, Cutty Sark took work as a training ship in Kent and supplemented her income endorsing her own brand of whisky. This is how she saw out her active days until eventually weighing anchor for good in a Greenwich dry dock in 1954. 

Dotage can be a difficult stage for some, especially a ship of the world. Always conscious about her looks, the onset of old age and ample time to dwell on it persuaded Cutty Sark to undergo a succession of surgical procedures; Dowman disapproved of cosmetic carpentry and it became an issue that festered and didn't come to a head until 2007 when she announced yet another round of treatment; Dowman snapped, calling her a "wooden wench, a doxy and a 'Trigger's broom'". Cutty Sark ignored his protests and went ahead with the deck tuck as planned, Dowman was furious - he was a natural oak man, the couple separated.

Cutty Sark lurched straight into a brief and disastrous affair with a Captain Ahad, the destructive fling culminated in a disastrous night in with a takeaway which left her with severe burns to her whole body and Ahad, always a mysterious figure, disappearing without trace ("in a cloud of smoke" -  that's what a two-bit hack would say if they were cack-handedly trying to anthropomorphise our naval heritage). Her future now lies in the hands of a team of dedicated professionals who are trying to get the old girl patched up and on parade in time for the Olympics, the public love a traditional old English slag don't they - Lady Godiva, Princess Di, Liz McDonald, your mother. I bet Seb Coe will be there for her grand re-opening, the dirty bastard.

After

Status: Zombie

Lookalike: HMS Peaches Geldof

In Three Words: Baby Got Stern