Cutty Sark

Afore

1869 - date

 

Named after a character in the Robert Burns poem Tam o' Shanter, a 'cutty sark' was the short skirt worn by Nannie Dee (who is also depicted in the ship's figurehead). The name was a compromise: having seen the plans and realising what kind of craft they were getting, parents Scott & Linton's original choice of 'Salty Scrubber' was reconsidered in favour of a more oblique reference to dirties so as not to offend the conservative sensibilities of the day. That must've been a proper blueprint, eh lads?

She was built specifically to outsail the clipper Thermopylae, known not only for its speed but also the original mast which was small, withered and useless but retained as a feature of the ship at the insistence of Captain S. J. Joy. Cutty Sark's first captain, John "Jock" "White Hat" Willis (born Throckley, Newcastle upon Tyne) was infamous for his lack of personal hygiene and his 'in the kegs and down the legs - only fakes visit the jakes' philosophy won him few friends among his crews and earned him the nickname 'Captain Arseflea' amongst the men, if not to his face. Such was his reputation that he preferred the soubriquet "White Hat" - even though it was a reference to the poor circulation he suffered in his bell end.

Cutty Sark enjoyed a formidable reputation for speed early in her career and was said to be the fastest ship of her size. Fast and loose. In her years as a tea and wool carrier she experienced the lot - mutiny, murder, diabolical shipmates, cholera, a snapped rudder, a string of tempestuous relationships leading to hull syphilis and at least one aborted life boat. The ongoing repairs she underwent in these years gave her a taste of the benefits of judicious carpentry, this would inform the choices she made in later life that took her into darker waters.

The advent of steamships at the turn of the 20th Century meant Cutty Sark was forced into finding other work to keep herself afloat; she became a boat of the night around the meditteranean and South Africa and even enjoyed brief stint as a reggae toaster in the Caribbean, scoring a hit with "Di 'Ornpipe" recorded under her own name. It was in the West Indies, in 1922, that she met and married Captain Wilfred Dowman, the newlyweds returned to their native England, Cutty Sark took work as a training ship in Kent and supplemented her income endorsing her own brand of whisky. This is how she saw out her active days until eventually weighing anchor for good in a Greenwich dry dock in 1954. 

Dotage can be a difficult stage for some, especially a ship of the world. Always conscious about her looks, the onset of old age and ample time to dwell on it persuaded Cutty Sark to undergo a succession of surgical procedures; Dowman disapproved of cosmetic carpentry and it became an issue that festered and didn't come to a head until 2007 when she announced yet another round of treatment; Dowman snapped, calling her a "wooden wench, a doxy and a 'Trigger's broom'". Cutty Sark ignored his protests and went ahead with the deck tuck as planned, Dowman was furious - he was a natural oak man, the couple separated.

Cutty Sark lurched straight into a brief and disastrous affair with a Captain Ahad, the destructive fling culminated in a disastrous night in with a takeaway which left her with severe burns to her whole body and Ahad, always a mysterious figure, disappearing without trace ("in a cloud of smoke" -  that's what a two-bit hack would say if they were cack-handedly trying to anthropomorphise our naval heritage). Her future now lies in the hands of a team of dedicated professionals who are trying to get the old girl patched up and on parade in time for the Olympics, the public love a traditional old English slag don't they - Lady Godiva, Princess Di, Liz McDonald, your mother. I bet Seb Coe will be there for her grand re-opening, the dirty bastard.

After

Status: Zombie

Lookalike: HMS Peaches Geldof

In Three Words: Baby Got Stern