Review of 2011 - Part 2

Taking you back, back, back...

Frank Bender, clearly.

First things first (to please my core readership, both of them), let us remember Frank Bender (16.06.41 -28.07.11), American forensic artist and overt heemasex who died aged 70. Also; Alan Fudge (27.02.44-10.10.11), Fudge was an actor with a list of credits as long as a factory conveyor belt: Matlock, M*A*S*H, Wonder Woman, Cagney & Lacey, Baywatch, Beverley Hills 90210 (the unsuccessful version set in West Yorkshire, apparently the world wasn’t ready for the everyday angst of hickies, buying single tabs and the masculinity-challenging issues of teenage boys growing up in an town with a lasses name) and Falcon Crest. Anyway, he had a vaguely amusing name which lends itself to bumming euphemisms and that’s why we’ll all miss him. You especially.

Right, that’s buggered up me chronological formatting now hasn’t it? It has got all the puerile jokes out of the way at the beginning at least, let's get down to business.

Ronnie Gill!

Cuddly Dudley (22.05.24-15.07.11) was Britain’s first black rock n’ roller, “Bristol’s answer to the Big Bopper”. He was also a promotional cocker spaniel for the Chicago Tribune and it was in this guise that Dudley really hit paydirt. Taking the ‘fistee’ half of a puppet act with Roy Brown, the two became fixtures on the Ray Rayner & Friends morning show for years,  then the tensions that inevitably foment between any double act ultimately brought the curtains down on their gig. Brown was envious of playing second fiddle to a poochified prop and increasingly took his frustrations out on Dudley’s tradesmans. Such was the toxic state of their relationship by the end the pair actually cited “sphinctal differences” as the reason for their split. Brown continued to work as a solo artist, he put on weight, wore a flying helmet and made a fortune with a ‘minge and paki’ routine in the UK. Dudley ended up endorsing incontinence pants for dogs (Dog-Gone - For a Merrier Terrier!) and was eventually put down by his agent when the work dried up.

Cactus Pryor (b. 07.01.23) is dead. The broadcaster passed away in August aged 88. Cactus wasn’t his real name of course, it was Richard, but who wants a comedy name like that holding them back? Cactus it was, and thus he had a prosperous career in the American south and even landed parts in a couple of John ‘Marion’ Wayne films. Pryor’s dad was called Skinny, they were all at it weren’t they? Ha’peths.

Dead! Cees de Wolf (17.12.45 - 22.07.11) was a footballer who played for Ajax Amsterdam but will always be most remembered for inventing the ‘rap name’. He was born Willem Hurben Skurben but changed his name to fit his image when his predilection for Kangol, gold jewellery and campaigning for a Europe-wide cull of wild dogs became his defining characteristics. Canny player though but.

Speaking of rap names - Heavy D (d. 08.11.11) found love, but didn’t know what to do with it. Not at first anyway, then he found a super Valentine Warner recipe. Rah!

William ‘Stetson’ Kennedy (05.10.16-27.08.11) was an American author and civil right activist who infiltrated the KKK and exposed their secrets to a wider audience. He was the first to let on about the absolute truth of the Marlboro packet design, for example, and their strict “no socks” rule. The nickname ‘Stetson’ came about because he could never get the shape of his hood quite right, bit of banter from the chapter dressing room there. Classic. 

Got a quick couple of Dirty Ronalds for you here before we move on, they tried dying quietly but they don’t get away that easily: Ronald Searle (03.03.20 - 30.12.11) was the man behind St Trinian’s and Ronald Wolfe (08.08.22 - 18.12.11) gave us On The Buses. Wooargh! Awright darlin’? Cor! Phwoar! Dolly birds. Strumpet. Knockers. Skirt.

Look Reg - milkers!

It's RIP to Geertruida Draaisma (25.02.02 – 12.08.2011) who, despite being born in Makkum and thus suffered an inability to pronounce her vowels properly, lived to be the oldest person in the Netherlands and was just shy of her 110th birthday when she died it in a tragic key-losing accident.

Steve Jobs (24.02.55 – 05.10.11). Yeah, remember when Steve Jobs died and people queued for days to attend his funer…no, let’s not go down that route. Right, Steve Jobs, erm - the man who invented apples. Yes, the man who brought the Pink Lady into the world. The man responsible for Rizzo in Grease. The man who changed the way we live our lives. The man who gave us all a little red cox.

Whatumoana Paki died in September. The Maori elder, consort to Maori Queen Te Atainrangikaahu and father of King Tuheitia Paki was also the 2011 winner of the Name That Guarantees A Mention In A Divvy’s Blog award (runners up this year include Conrad Schnitzler (d. 04.08.11), Royal Copeland (d.08.08.11) and Christopher Mega (d. 30.10.11). Hard lines lads, better luck next time, if you’re Buddhists). Royal consort, imagine that, “aye, spunked a new king up the Queen last night me like,” you’d have to be chuffed with yourself there, bragging rights or what? That's unless the Queen was a whinging munter. Yeah, what if she was a bit of a brute and sometimes you couldn’t bring yourself to climb aboard, not even grimacing your way through a little joyless one for crown and country? Can you turn a Queen down if she fancies a bit of the other? I don’t know much about the rumpy-pumpy protocol of the aristocracy but I reckon you’d have to bow to ‘Her Royal Fadgesty’ whenever her footman tells you she’s frisking for it.

Klugman

Jimmy Savile (31.10.26-29.10.11) was found dead in his Leeds flat aged 84. I wrote to Jim’ll once to ask if he could fix it for me to spend a night in a hospital morgue. I didn’t get a reply. That’s the BBC for you, Noel Edmonds is allowed to kill as many people as he likes but I’m not allowed some ‘quiet time’ with a packed lunch and my Quincy annual.

Talaat Sadat (1954 - 20.11.11), the nephew of Anwar Sadat was an Egyptian politician, lawyer and political prisoner but was always most famous for having five A’s in his name and being cited as a formative influence on the similarly-vowelled Bananarama. They even had a number three hit in 1983 with a song they wrote about him - Robert De Niro’s Waiting. Only joshing, it was 1988’s Nathan Jones really.

Gammon?

Joe Frazier (12.01.44 - 07.11.11) famously yarked Muhammad Ali and spoilt his unbeaten record in 1971’s Fight of the Century. Smokin’ Joe had specially designed gloves so he could have a sneaky gasper when he was on the defence. When in-fight smoking was banned by the WBA and WBC in 1971 Frazier took to using snuff disguised as smelling salts between rounds. A true champion.

Speaking of heavyweights I should also mention the demise of boiler-suit devotee and inventor of the hamburger, Kim Jong-il (16.02.41 - 17.12.11) and the man with the golden gun, the man with the violated bum - Muammar Gaddafi (d. 20.10.11). The mad dog and the eat dog. The dear leader and the rear bleeder. Enough has been written about them elsewhere, let's not feed the trolls. They only do it for attention.

Socrates, another enthusiastic smoker also died in 2011 aged 57. The Brazillian midfielder, intellectual and doctor of medicine might've liked a drink but that didn't stop him from co-founding the Corinthians Democracy movement to run against the military government. His death was mourned and his life was celebrated. See, it's not always better to be a baddie. Something for you to think on there. Roll credits.