Admiral Lord Collingwood

If I could turn back time!

26 September 1748 - 7 March 1810

Cuthbert Collingwood was a premier league English naval hero doomed to relative obscurity because of the parallel lines mapping his career and that of Horatio Nelson. Nelson's shadow is hefty enough to obscure the achievements of most team-mates, certainly big enough to cloak fifty years at sea, an undisputed fight record in the Napoleonic wars, a peerage and progression through the highest ranks in the navy. Yes, not only is Collingwood's story no less amazing than his old mate Nelly Noo's but it also features a full compliment of limbs and it's about time it was told. Let's get salty.

Collingwood's most celebrated achievement came when he broke the enemy lines in his ship the Royal Sovereign (named after his favourite brand of budget tab) in the big away match against FC Franco-Spain at Trafalgar stadium, he then assumed command of the fleet after Nelson got capped and starting getting fruity with the menials. The British forces didn't lose a single ship under Collingwood but Nelson had made the ultimate career move, he died in action and in doing so he won the public vote, a spermatazoan Simon Cowell watched on and clocked the potential of a strong back story and a popular character. The die was cast; for Nelson, for Collingwood and for the future of Saturday night television. Thanks lads.

It's said that in all his career in the navy 'Old Colly' only spent three years on dry land. Despite this he obviously held his native Northumberland close to his heart, "Whenever I think how I am to be happy again, my thoughts carry me back to Morpeth." You can't blame the lad, it's got a lovely park and that sandwich shop down by the bingo hall is decent despite the faux-Italian histrionics you get from the proprietor. Collingwood was a tuna sweetcorn man - on a ships biscuit, swig of water straight out of the Wansbeck to wash it down. Tough as auld boots these navy wallahs you know.

Collingwood had a dog called Bounce, it was on long country walks with Bounce that Collingwood would indulge in his obsession with planting acorns, his reasoning being that in doing so there'd be enough English oak in the future to keep the navy in ships. He might not have foreseen the move to steel in the shipbuilding industry but think about the environmental benefits of his one-man reforestation work, not to mention how many squirrels he kept happy - no wonder you can still find the red ones parading about like the rodent princes of Arcadian Northumberland. There ain't no grey in their Union Jack.

At Collingwood's request, Bounce was stuffed after its death. Through a sequence of tragi-comic events too torturous to make-up detail here, Bounce enjoyed a second career when he was robotically animated, had his name altered just enough to avoid invalidating his life insurance payout and reappeared as Ramsey street's most famous mutt in the Australian soap opera Neighbours. His slightly awkward gait on the show was due to the limited availability of prosthetic canine knee joints (size: Labrador) at the time and was covered with a storyline about arthritis which led to  'Bouncer' becoming the face of the Australian Rheumatic Society Education Scheme (ARSES) from 1989 until his 'death' in 1994.

So what is Collingwood's legacy besides the fighting, flora and fauna? While Nelson got his own column in the middle of Trafalgar Square, Collingwood's statue enjoys an even more prestigious spot at the mouth of the Tyne; looking out on the North Sea - on home turf and beside the seaside, not in a seething mass of tourists, mudlarks and pearl-encrusted cutpurses. Nelson's statue is guarded by lions, Collingwood's by cannons, not surprising who survived Trafalgar is it? Meanwhile Collingwood Street is currently the place to go out in Newcastle for a jigger of rum, half price drinks if you turn up dressed as one of his ships (HMS Pelican and HMS Badger are the most popular). Collingwood is also the only maritime figure to have an England cricketer named after him, unfortunately marmalade bollocks didn't read the script and tragically ended up a mackem, well done sunshine. No sense of heritage some people.

Status: Dead Lookalike: Alistair Darling In Three Words: Pagga! Chicken Soup!