Grey Owl

Pimp My Wigwam

September 18, 1888 - April 13, 1938

Bullshitters abound. Some people just can't help themselves - "here man I used to be a ninja but I got thrown out of the Warrior Assassins because I was too hard and everyone got jel of me skill", we might even do it ourselves at times - embellish things a little for the sake of a good story. I'd never do that though, ask John Candy if you don't believe me. Some people have to take it too far, whether they do it by design or whether a little white lie sets off a fictitious tsnuami of domino rally proportions, things can get out of hand sometimes and this brings us to Chief of the one-man Pork Pie tribe (self-appointed) - Grey Owl.

Grey Owl was born in Mexico to a Scotch father and an Apache (tribe, not the helicopter) mother, his parents knocked about with Will Bill Hickok. He was a 'Mexican Scout' in the US Army and he was adopted by the Ojibwe tribe after he set up camp with one of their squaws in a place called Bear Island. 

Most of that is unmitigated cobblers, cooked up, presumably, in a billy can over an open fire in the Northern Territories. In the real world Grey Owl was born Archibald Stansfield Belaney to English parents near Hastings, raised by two maiden aunts, educated at the local school and worked as a clerk for a lumber firm. It was whilst filing the documents and filling the ledgers with details of their business that he first got wood and experienced the call of the wild.

Shape-shifting? Piece of piss.

Belaney emigrated to Canada in 1906 after being sacked by the lumber company, he had almost destroyed their building with fireworks ("trust me, I've done this millions of times - it can't fail") and left ostensibly to study agriculture. He became a trapper, guide and ranger and started an association with the Ojibwe that kickstarted his transformation from Archie the outdoors enthusiast to Grey Owl, native American. Brown Tongue would've been more appropriate.

He didn't stop there though, he had three children by three different mothers and dabbled with bigamy by having a wife either side of the Atlanic at one point. He would make light of these relationships, dismissing criticism by saying it was "the way of the 'prey". The most significant woman in his life was Gertrude Bernard, a Mohawk Iroquois who also took the name Anahareo (meaning Pony, on account of the amount Belaney bunged her dad to secure his blessing). 

Bernard herself was an interesting character, she rescued and fostered a pair of beaver kits, the couple incorporated a lodge in their cabin. Belaney was unhappy with this at first, complaining that the beavers put him off his stroke but eventually he was won over and in later life couldn't get a stalk on unless there was a rodent watching. Bernard encouraged Belaney to forgo trapping and concentrate on writing about the wilderness, he began to focus increasingly on conservation and had a series of articles published under the name Grey Owl in Forests & Outdoors. He also wrote another column on the side under an assumed name in Forests & Outdoors (After Dark) called 'Grizzly Madames' to keep him in firewater.

Belaney knew what he was talking about when it came to conservation but because he did so as Grey Owl he ultimately undermined his own authority. When the story about his true identity unravelled after his death his books were withdrawn from publication and donations to conservation projects dropped. Now, because he spouted so much bollocks, he is known as the Grandfather of Climate-Change Denial and is held up as a figurehead for environmental sceptics. Fibbers take note and look to Ray Mears, he'd never pull a stunt like that. Bear Grylls? We'll see.

Status: Heap Dead
Lookalike: Tawny Kitaen (one for the owl-and-Whitesnake-enthusiasts demographic there)
In Three Words: Pants On Fire